54: How to Keep Promises to Yourself (Even With ADHD)
The defense attorney in my brain finally lost a case!
Content warning: this episode includes a conversation about macro tracking and food logging. I say when, so you can skip ahead if you’d prefer that!
I recorded this entire episode without water.
Not because I didn’t want water or because there wasn’t water in my house, but because I had already sat down, plugged in my mic, and started my Toggl timer. In my mind, that meant getting up was no longer an option. It would have taken 2 minutes to go get water, but my brain said no.
And that, my friends, is textbook executive dysfunction.
This is exactly why keeping a promise to yourself feels impossible if you have ADHD. Our brains have a really complicated relationship with doing things, starting things, continuing things, and rewarding ourselves appropriately for things.
But despite all this, I just succeeded at doing something for 35 days straight, and I’m telling you how I did it so you can do it too.
The Six Reasons You Keep Breaking Promises to Yourself
Before you call yourself a piece of shit for not following through on one of your goals, let’s talk about what’s actually going on in your brain if you have ADHD.
1. Your brain is running on now, not later.
Our ADHD brains are constantly struggling with future reward wiring — the part that says “if I do this boring thing today, future me benefits” is unfortunately quieter.
The part that says “but sitting down sounds great right now instead of going to the gym” is so loud it’s screaming. Future You doesn’t feel real enough to win that argument.
2. Executive dysfunction is not the same as not wanting to.
People assume a broken promise comes from lack of motivation. It doesn’t. Executive dysfunction is what’s getting in the way — starting a task, switching tasks, remembering your intention, resisting impulse, organizing the steps to get there…
You can want to keep the promise and still not start. You’re frozen, even though you really do want to do the thing. You could have it weighing on you every single day and literally feel unable to do it, even though you want to.
3. Your brain negotiates like a fucking defense attorney.
“Technically I walked yesterday, so today doesn’t count.”
“I’ll just start Monday.”
“I’m tired, so this doesn’t work for me right now.”
Every single tiny decision becomes a debate. You can talk yourself out of it and justify till you die.
4. Dopamine seeks novelty, not consistency.
New journal, new routine, new Notion dashboard, new habit tracker, new sneakers — we love the idea of a promise.
Consistency though? Same boring action every day? That equals low dopamine.
Your brain is chasing the excitement of starting instead of the satisfaction of continuing. This is why you feel like you’re amazing at planning your life but terrible at actually living it.
This is also why when you write something on your to-do list, you get a little dopamine hit even though you haven’t done a single thing yet — because you love thinking about starting a plan.
5. Emotional memory hits harder.
Every time you break a promise to yourself, it doesn’t just feel like “oops, try again tomorrow.” It feels soul-crushing. And then your brain avoids making strong commitments to protect you from feeling that feeling again.
Your self-trust gets shaky fast. Because it’s a chicken-or-the-egg situation — you have to go through with it to believe you can go through with it.
6. Decision fatigue is louder than anything.
Neurotypical brains automate behavior faster. For us, “I work out every day” doesn’t become automatic — it becomes 31 separate decisions. And our brains re-decide things constantly. That shit’s exhausting, and exhaustion kills follow-through.
Stop Making Promises — Set a Standard Instead
A promise signals I will try.
An intention = I hope.
But a standard means this is no longer a decision.
A standard is a pre-decided rule that removes the negotiation with your future self. I didn’t suddenly become super disciplined — I just stopped giving myself options. A standard is how you decide who you are before the moment tests you. Because the moment will be testing you, and ADHD often fails those tests.
A goal is outcome-based.
A standard is behavior-based.
And if your standard requires motivation, it’s not a standard yet. It’s still just a promise.
I have one standard I’ve held for years without even calling it that: I never miss my weekly newsletter. I don’t care if I had COVID, I don’t care if I was in the middle of a divorce, I don’t care if I slept like shit.
In 269 weeks, it has gone out every single time. Not because I always wanted to. I can guarantee that for at least 20 of those, I was like, “fuck, I don’t want to do this shit at all.” But I just removed the option of not doing it. I don’t yap with myself about it. I just do it.
How to Pick Your First Standard
No more than three things. And because I know you, you are not allowed to overcomplicate this!
Pick one area where you don’t currently trust yourself, or where you know sticking to something would genuinely change things for you. Don’t pick some random fuck-ass standard. Pick something that’s actually going to benefit your life.
It has to be black and white. “Work out more” is not a standard. “I close my Apple Watch rings every day” is a standard. Done or not done. No gray area for the defense attorney!
Also, make it small enough to do on a bad brain day. You don’t have to build a whole new personality overnight. I want you to build evidence.
It can be: I brush my teeth before scrolling. I write one sentence before deciding I’m stuck. I open my laptop before saying I don’t feel like it. I do 10 minutes even when I don’t want to.
Make it feel a little stretchy — but still doable on the days your brain is being a little bitch.
There Has to Be a Reward
I wish I could sit here and tell you that losing the weight, or looking toned again, or feeling stronger is enough to get your ass on the treadmill every day.
Of course, it’s the ultimate prize. But is it enough to make me do the fucking lat pulldown heavier than I want to? No. I have bikini money. I’ll buy a double XL bikini right now. That is not enough of a reward.
There has to be a carrot. My reward for closing my Apple Watch rings every day in January was a pair of New Balance 530s.
YOU DO NOT GET IT EARLY. I’m getting stabbed if I get it early. That is a standard you can set for yourself right now:
I do not do gratification without proof.
You don’t get the trophy before you run the race. When you get the reward before the proof, you just taught yourself again that you don’t keep promises to yourself, and we are not doing that anymore.
Set Standards for One Month at a Time
If you set a standard for the next 31 years of your life, it’s going to feel so daunting you’re going to want to quit on day fucking two. So set it for a month or a week to start.
A small, finite, defined amount of time, and then you can always extend it if you choose to.
I fully thought I was going to give up on closing my rings by the end of January, but I showed myself that I could be consistent, and there was a sense of self-trust there for once.
I had the pride — especially the self-pride — of thinking: wow, I actually did it. I actually stuck to something, and now I’m feeling a lot more confident going into the rest of the year.
At first, don’t set more than three doable standards, with at least one of them feeling a little stretchy. Don’t make it so crazy that you’re not gonna do it — because what I really want is for you to build evidence, so you can build the self-trust, so you have the confidence to keep promises to yourself for the rest of your future.
For full accountability, here are my February standards:
10,000 steps every day
Apple Watch rings closed every day
150 grams of protein every day
Newsletter out every single week
Every deliverable sent on time
Game night with my family every Wednesday
Movie night every Saturday
Reach out to at least one friend every week
Kickboxing three times a week
Snail mail every Sunday
Laundry on schedule
And the one I will be working on the hardest: I don’t buy anything unnecessary!
Point of the Story
Stop negotiating with your future self. Set the standard, remove the option, and build the evidence. You can trust yourself. You just have to give yourself a reason to.
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This episode was edited by Adrienne Cruz.