17: How to Actually Buy a House Without Crying with Alli Moore
Everything your accountant, your mom, and your high school econ teacher forgot to tell you
Buying a house sounds like something you should just... know how to do. Like riding a bike or filing your taxes or picking the right throw pillow at HomeGoods.
But no one tells you how to actually do it.
Especially if you’re self-employed.
Or a woman.
Or a woman who is self-employed and also trying to eat three meals a day, answer 74 Slack messages, and figure out what the hell “escrow” means.
That’s exactly why I brought on my bestie and mortgage whisperer, Alli Moore, for this week’s episode. She’s a loan officer who specializes in helping first-time buyers figure out how to afford a home without losing their minds in a Zillow-induced spiral.
We talked about what it takes to buy a house as a self-employed person, how credit scores and tax returns impact your budget, why you shouldn’t open a new credit card during your “limbo” period, and the exact order of operations when you’re ready to get serious about buying.
Rapid-Fire Squirrel Brain Questions
Here’s what we learned about Alli in her traditional round of squirrel brain questions:
If she could gather “nuts” like a squirrel: Photos. Printed, Polaroid, scrapbook-style. She’s the type to save ticket stubs and vacation postcards, so she can journal about her travels.
If her brain had a pop-up ad: “Say no to something today. Calm the fuck down.”
If her life came with a warning label it would say: Will try to be your best friend immediately.
What she would win an Olympic gold medal for: Overcommitting. Not dropping the ball, but picking up too many at once and juggling them like a circus-trained Virgo.
Something she thought she’d have figured out by now: What she wants to be when she grows up. She’s 27. She’s excellent at her job. She’s still considering photography, sports, and a dozen other dream paths.
Her walkout song: “Shivers” by Ed Sheeran or “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay or something by Maggie Rogers
What Even Is a Loan Officer, Anyway?
If you’re about to buy a house and think your main character moment involves texting a cute realtor and scrolling Zillow until something “just feels right,” allow me to gently guide you back to reality.
Before you get emotionally attached to a wraparound porch you can’t afford, you need to talk to a loan officer.
When asked, “What the fuck is a loan officer?” Alli said:
“My job is to make sure you’re actually prepared to borrow hundreds of thousands of dollars. That means checking your credit, looking at your savings, and making sure that you’re not going to be broke forever eating pizza off the floor just to say you own a house.”
Amen.
And while that might sound terrifying (especially the credit part), Alli swears it’s not that deep. Her whole approach is about helping you prepare.
She wants to make sure your mortgage fits your life, not the other way around, so you can still travel, shop, and spend money on hobbies after closing.
This is especially crucial if you live somewhere like Massachusetts where homes cost... oh, I don’t know... triple what they cost in Arkansas. (Yes, I Googled it mid-episode. The average home price in Arkansas is $207K. In Massachusetts? $615K. Disgusting.)
If you know you want to buy, it’s smart to start planning now. And talking to a loan officer like Alli is step one.
Buying a House as a Self-Employed Squirrel
Let’s say you’re a self-employed girlie — running your biz, paying your taxes, and absolutely crushing it online. You’re making moves, stacking coins, and one day you’re like:
“Wait… could I buy a house?”
The answer is: yes, you totally can. But the process is a little different, especially when it comes to paperwork.
Basically, if you work for yourself, lenders need to see a clearer picture of your finances because you don’t have a traditional salary. That means showing your tax returns and ideally, a profit & loss statement.
And before you ask: Yes, that’s why you should have a bookkeeper. (Here are three: Peach Perfect Financials, Madison Dearly, Coyne Bookkeeping.)
The biggest issue Alli sees is people wanting to pay as little tax as possible (valid), but then being shocked when they can’t borrow as much as they hoped. Because guess what? The number your accountant helps you not show to the IRS is also what mortgage lenders use to decide how much you can borrow.
So if you’re self-employed and hoping to buy in the next year or two, your best move is to start planning now.
Tell your accountant your intentions. Get your books together. Show your income (even if that means a painful tax bill). It’ll help you qualify for a better mortgage later.
Step-by-Step: How to Buy a House Without Losing Your Mind
Let’s say the squirrel in your brain finally decides it’s time to start nesting.
You’re ready to stop paying $3,000 a month for a place with no dishwasher, no laundry, and neighbors who scream during Bachelor in Paradise.
Here’s your step-by-step breakdown of how to buy a house:
1. Tell Your Accountant
If you’re self-employed, this is your very first move. Your accountant can help you tax-strategize appropriately so you don’t end up telling your lender, “I make $400K!” and your tax returns slide across the table like, “She technically does… if you ignore the deductions, the write-offs, and the part where she expensed that matcha as a ‘team-building activity.’”
2. Set a Timeline
Especially if you’re a biz owner, you’ll usually need two years of tax returns to show consistent income.
3. Get Pre-Approved
This is where your loan officer (hi, Alli!) comes in.
You’ll fill out a quick form (10–15 minutes), submit your paperwork, and get pre-approved for a certain price range. This gives you your maximum buying power — aka the most you could spend.
But pro tip: You might not want to spend that much. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
4. Fake Your Mortgage
Okay, not really. But start pretending to pay your future mortgage now.
Let’s say your rent is $2,000, and your future mortgage will be $3,000. Start living like it now and put that extra $1,000 into savings.
Not only does this build your down payment fund, but it also helps you adjust your lifestyle.
Bonus: Use a high-yield savings account. Here’s my favorite one!
5. Don’t Play With Your Credit
Avoid any big financial shakeups during this time — no new cars, no impulsive credit cards, no “oops I financed a Peloton.”
Lenders look at your credit activity, and multiple inquiries can hurt your score temporarily.
Also, YES: Your loan officer will do a real hard credit pull during the pre-approval. And YES, it’s worth it because that’s how you get an accurate number.
6. Go to Open Houses
This is the fun part. But DO 👏 NOT 👏 FALL IN LOVE 👏 BEFORE YOU’RE PRE-APPROVED.
You are not immune to open house delusion. Trust us.
7. Make an Offer (And Drop That Deposit)
If you find a house you love and your offer is accepted, you’ll need to put down earnest money — usually $1K–$5K.
It’s not an extra fee — it goes toward your down payment. But yes, you need to have it on hand.
8. Don’t Skip the Home Inspection (Even If You “Waive” It)
To make your offer more competitive, you might waive the contingency of a home inspection. But PLEASE still get one, even if it’s “informational only.”
Because if that roof needs $30K of love, don’t you want to know?
9. Stay Ready So You Don’t Have to Get Ready
The housing market is all vibes until suddenly it’s ALL SYSTEMS GO.
You’ll go from “I’ll never find something” to “Oh shit, we’re closing in 30 days.” Be ready for the chaos, and have a great team on speed dial.
Our Homebuying Stories
Alli
She was basically 12 when she bought her house. Okay, 22, but still.
Alli found the house while refreshing Zillow like it was her full-time job. It was a fixer-upper, but thanks to her future father-in-law’s handiness and a background in house-flipping, she saw major potential.
She dragged her fiancé there immediately after his overnight shift at the hospital, and despite the smell, the wallpaper, and the possibly haunted vibes, she was in love.
So she got strategic:
Found out the seller’s kids just wanted it gone after their dad passed away.
Convinced the listing agent to represent them too, so he’d be more invested.
Offered to clean out and renovate the entire thing themselves.
Got the sellers to accept the offer before showing it to anyone else.
AND negotiated $13K off after the inspection.
Oh, and her interest rate is something dumb like 2-point-nothing. I know!
Moral of her story: Be educated, act fast, and say yes to the house that smells weird.
Also, go to those free homebuyer classes with the free beer and apps.
Sara
I, on the other hand, was very happy renting. Like, blissfully so. I lived in a cute little apartment with two locked doors, zero lawn responsibilities, a pool, a gym, and police officers living below me.
Meanwhile, all my real estate besties were gently bullying me into buying a house. And by gently, I mean relentlessly.
But it wasn’t that I couldn’t afford to buy. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to. Owning a house means you're in charge of all the unsexy stuff — snow blowing, lawn mowing, random plumbing emergencies at 3 a.m. …
My actual plan was to buy a second home on Cape Cod for my golden birthday in December 2026. I had visions of a cozy coastal retreat that all my friends could crash at and was saving $100K for a down payment.
Then reality entered the chat.
Turns out, if you want to buy a second home (not your primary residence), you have to put at least 20% down, sometimes even 25%. And the interest rate is horrible.
So I started looking at other houses and nothing felt right. My realtor sent me a house that I said an immediate no to. Then the Cape plan collapsed and, plot twist, I circled back to that “no” house and thought… “Wait. Maybe?”
So I went to see it.
It had a cute little porch. Great layout. Great location. The house felt like mine in a way none of the others did. I had Alli run my pre-approval numbers, put in an offer, and got it!
Oh, and while all this was happening, my parents bought a Cape house — four days after I closed on mine. So I basically manifested that dream anyway. I got my full-time house and my part-time Cape escape in the same week.
Look at the universe doing her thing.
How Equity Works (and Why You Should Care, Bestie)
So you bought a house. Congrats! Now what?
You’re building equity, babe.
No, that’s not just a word that finance bros say while adjusting their Patagonia vests.
Equity is the value you own in your home.
Let’s say:
You bought your house for $100K (LOL where??),
You put $10K down,
And you took out a $90K loan.
That $10K down payment is your initial equity.
Now fast-forward: your home’s value goes up, and you’ve paid your loan down a little.
Let’s say:
Your home is now worth $120K,
Your loan balance is $80K.
You now have $40K in equity!
The coolest part is that you can use that equity. You can tap into it via something called a HELOC (Home Equity Line of Credit).
Alli explains it like this:
Let’s say you’ve got $40K in equity, and you want to take $10K of it and use it toward a down payment on your dream Cape house.
The bank says, “Okay boo, here’s that $10K as cash.”
Then you pay it back, like any other line of credit.
This is how people buy their next house without magically manifesting a second income. They use the equity they’ve already built.
Debt, Credit, and Other Capitalist Nonsense You Still Have to Deal With
We’re ending this episode with the question I usually start with: What’s something you wish everyone knew about mortgages?
Here is the TL;DR from this part of the episode:
Credit pulls aren’t that deep. Unless your score starts with a 5 (in which case, hi, let’s talk — no shame, just solutions), a mortgage-related credit inquiry is not the end of your financial life. It’s just part of the process.
If you’re in a homebuying limbo… (the in-between stage after your offer has been accepted but before you actually close on the house), there are some things you should definitely avoid:
Do not open a new credit card.
Do not finance a new car.
Do not deposit mystery piles of cash.
Basically, don’t do anything that would make a bank go, “Hmmm…”
(And you know we’re gonna do a part two all about closing costs and other spicy homebuying secrets over on my Millionaire Moment Substack — so send in your Qs!)
If you're trying to figure out your real credit score, go to AnnualCreditReport.com and pull your real credit report (for free, and with zero impact on your score).
Point of the Story
Find a house you can afford, live your life in, and not cry every time a bill shows up. That’s the dream.
Alli Links
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Other Links
Bookkeepers: Peach Perfect Financials, Madison Dearly, Coyne Bookkeeping
Sara’s high-yield savings account
Annual Credit Report website
This episode was edited by Adrienne Cruz.